What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
I decided to write a transparent post today to express how meh and stagnant I've been feeling lately. I say it every year, but I feel like this year really flew by man. There are literally 2 months left in 2019 and I'm looking back over the past 10 months questioning what I did with my time and if I made any significant progress from the year before.
Since leaving Mississippi in 2014 I've lived in 4 different states navigating on a "journey" to discover my purpose. Sometimes I just sit and think about all the years I was living my life under the influence of others including my parents. It's like you get prepped when you're younger for this ideal life, only to realize later it's not the life you want to live.
After losing my job in 2014 and moving to South Carolina, I found myself tapping back into the creative things I remembered I loved as a kid like writing, music, and film. Temporarily getting away from the 8 to 5 life brought me back to my creative space. Since 2014 I've been honing my skills but as 2020 approaches I wonder if putting my time and effort towards my dreams will be worth it in the end. It's difficult sometimes when you look around and see other people flourishing. You feel that you're making some progress but it's slow progress.
And I understand also that we live in a world of bullshit and smoke and mirrors, so the life a person presents is likely not the life they are actually living. With that in mind I try hard not to compare my life to the next person.
On another note I'm not going to diminish what I have accomplished over the years especially creatively. I've created a blog, a web show, networked, got some recognition, built a small brand, wrote some scripts, and started to film my first project which hopefully will be complete by the end of this year.
This year a lot of people close to me have experienced death and it makes me think about my life, my legacy, and my impact. I just want to live a life of purpose and make some type of difference in this world. Just the thought of giving up on my dreams and being content with just working until I die saddens me.
But this is just my venting session for today.