Winter was always one of my favorite seasons
until last year. Last winter things had
gotten so bad for me that I found myself sitting in front of a therapist hoping
she could help me put my life back together. I had been dealing with depression
on and off for the past 2 years but it was starting to take a heavy toll on me
and prayers and pep talks with friends weren’t helping me cope anymore.
In those two
years I experienced a failed relationship, the news of an unexpected health
problem, losing my job, and moving to a new unfamiliar state. A few months into my move I found myself
broke, behind on bills and on the verge of having my car repossessed. I just
couldn’t figure out how I lost so much control over my life in such a short
period of time. If you could rewind my life back three years prior things
seemed to be going pretty good for me. I had a second degree under my belt and
I was working a job in my field making decent money and just living a normal
life for the most part. That was my reality check on how easily your
circumstances can change and how your world can get flipped upside down in the
blink of an eye.
Every single day for almost a year I would wake up
with the thoughts of my problems on my mind and I would carry those thoughts
with me throughout the entire day. I felt like I was losing my mind because the
thoughts were never ending and they were starting to have an effect on my
health. It got to a point where I looked forward to going to sleep because it
was the only time I had peace of mind from my problems. I always considered
myself to be a strong individual but having to deal with all of those problems
at one time caused me to reach my breaking point. I felt like I was failing at life and for the
first time I felt inadequate and unimportant. It’s crazy how when it seems like
everything is going wrong in your life you forget about everything that is
going right and you forget about all of your accomplishments and talents. It
really hit me that I needed to seek help when my thoughts started becoming
suicidal. The thought of going to sleep and not waking up was becoming a
reoccurring thought in my mind.
Going to counseling
turned out to be really helpful for me. It wasn’t a quick fix to my problems
but my therapist was able to help me re-frame my thoughts and give me a new perspective on my situation. There is
still a lot of stigma associated with depression and mental illness and a lot
of people don’t see them as major health problems. It’s ironic because our mind
is what keeps our entire body in check but we tend to neglect it the most.
I wrote this post because I wanted to share my
experience with anyone that might be dealing with depression in hopes that it
might let someone out there know they are not alone and that it’s okay to get
help. My mom has suffered from clinical depression for years and I always
disregarded her situation as something that she can simply control but once it
affected me I realized it wasn’t something you could snap out of so easily.
As I continue on my journey to self-love and
building a better relationship with myself, I’m constantly making sure my mind,
body, and spirit are in tune. A lot of times we give so much of ourselves to
other people without taking time out for us. It’s okay to be selfish with your
time to take care of yourself and it’s okay to reach out for help when you feel
like you’re sinking. Life can get heavy and
behind those smiles most of us wear daily we are dealing with internal issues.
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